(With Research Notes & Clear Disclaimers)
Today I was sitting on the floor with my son Alexander.
He was fighting with a toy that wouldn’t cooperate.
Full intensity. Full frustration.
And in that moment, I saw a spectrum of choices — two edges that define what kind of parent, leader, or human you become.
On one side, I could ignore him or get irritated.
On the other, I could jump in and do it for him.
But the truth is, the real growth — for him and for me — lives in the space between those extremes.
This is not just a parenting thing.
It’s a human-development thing.
Why Edges Matter
There’s a fascinating finding from environmental psychology:
Children on playgrounds with fences used more of the space and explored farther from the teacher.
Children on playgrounds without fences stayed close, uncertain, hesitant.
This aligns with research on:
- Attachment theory (John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth):
A secure base leads to increased exploration. - Environmental design (Moore & Wong, 1997):
Defined boundaries reduce cognitive load. - Montessori education (Maria Montessori):
Freedom works best within a structured environment.
Disclaimer:
This does not mean fences “cause” exploration in every context.
It simply reinforces a common finding:
Clear boundaries create psychological freedom.
Mess Isn’t a Moral Category
Here’s the part people misunderstand:
A “mess” is not good or bad.
It’s only “bad” to someone who prefers order.
Research on creativity supports this:
- Vohs et al. (2013) found that messy environments increased creative output.
- People high in Openness to Experience (a Big Five personality trait) often see “disorder” as possibility, not failure.
Disclaimer:
This does not mean chaos is automatically beneficial.
It means interpretation of mess varies by personality and context.
The Two Parenting Extremes (Both Backed by Research)
You can map the two edges I saw today to well-studied patterns:
1. Ignore / Anger / Withdrawal
This contributes to:
- avoidant attachment (Ainsworth)
- emotional suppression
- hyper-independence
2. Overhelp / Doing It For Him
This contributes to:
- dependent coping styles
- decreased resilience
- learned helplessness (Seligman, 1975)
The healthiest parenting style?
Authoritative parenting
(Diana Baumrind, later validated by Maccoby & Martin)
High warmth, high boundaries.
The “middle of the spectrum.”
Disclaimer:
Parenting styles are tendencies, not absolute predictors.
Individual context always matters.
The Part I Have Never Said Publicly — Until Now
For years, I felt like I had a message I couldn’t communicate.
I would try to express what I saw, what I understood, what I learned…
and it would just bounce off people.
Not because they were unkind or unintelligent.
But because the aperture wasn’t right for the message.
There’s a well-documented phenomenon in psychology and adult development:
- You can’t understand a concept until you have the mental structure for it.
(Jean Piaget, Robert Kegan) - Meaning-making develops in stages.
(Kegan’s “orders of consciousness”) - Adults only learn what feels relevant to their current identity.
(Malcolm Knowles, Andragogy)
And this lines up with something people report in psychedelic studies:
- Experiences that feel deeply true cannot always be translated into language afterward.
(Griffiths, Johns Hopkins; Carhart-Harris, Imperial College London)
This is why some people simply can’t “hear” you until they’ve grown the capacity to hear you.
It’s not rejection.
It’s misalignment.
Disclaimer:
The “aperture” metaphor is metaphor.
There is no evidence of literal metaphysical dimensional beings observing us.
Flatland-style analogies are philosophical tools, not scientific claims.
Why This Matters for You and Me
Once you find the right audience —
the people who are actually hungry for the message you carry —
the communication suddenly becomes effortless.
It’s like the “dimensional mismatch” disappears.
Teacher and student share the same plane.
And that’s when transformation happens.
Not because the message became clearer,
but because the receiver became ready.
You Are a Mess — And That’s the Doorway
Not the disqualification.
A mess is a place where:
- growth starts
