(with Stories, Science, and Zero “Bullshit”)
Most people think intention is a feeling.
A simple good or bad.
But intention is not a feeling.
It is a structure. A stack. A pattern that repeats under pressure.
And if you know how to read it, you stop getting fooled by words, excuses, or temporary emotions.
You start seeing the real story.
Here is a clearer breakdown, with stories and research behind each layer.
What People Say They Want
(The Surface Layer)
A woman once told me she “wanted peace” with her brother.
Every time she spoke, her words sounded calm and gentle.
On the surface, her stated intention was reconciliation.
But every action she took fanned the fire.
She repeated old wounds.
She used “peace” as a weapon to get the moral high ground.
This is what psychologists call impression management.
Goffman wrote about this decades ago.
Humans shape their words to maintain a social identity.
In other words, people say what makes them look like the kind of person they want you to believe they are.
This layer is not worthless.
It tells you the story they want to live in.
But it is not the truth.
What Their Behavior Is Designed To Produce
(The Reality Layer)
A man once told me he “wanted to build something together.”
But he avoided every task, skipped meetings, and only resurfaced when he needed something.
His behavior revealed his real intention, which was not partnership. It was access.
This is Kahneman’s System 1 and System 2 in real life:
- System 2 (slow words) says the right thing
- System 1 (fast behavior) tells the truth
Behavior is unconscious and cannot be faked for long.
When someone’s words and actions do not match,
the action is the truth.
That is why I always say:
If someone says they care but they never show up, their intention is not care.
We can try to romanticize it, excuse it, or explain it away,
but the truth is always in the pattern.
What They Get Out Of The Interaction
(The Hidden Layer—Often Unconscious)
A friend once told me he felt “drained” giving to everyone.
He carried resentment like a weight.
But when he slowed down, he realized something uncomfortable:
He got identity from being needed.
He wasn’t giving from love.
He was giving from fear that without giving, he had no value.
This layer is what Freud, Bowlby, and modern attachment researchers talk about:
the unconscious benefit.
People stay in dynamics not because of what they give,
but because of what they get:
- approval
- belonging
- control
- validation
- a sense of importance
- protection from loneliness
- permission to stay small
This is why you must understand the payoff behind someone’s behavior.
Once you see what they get,
their whole pattern becomes predictable.
What It Means In the Larger Story of Their Life
(The Identity Layer)
This is the layer people almost never consider,
but it is the one that never lies.
I once watched a guy sabotage every opportunity he touched.
He would get close to success and then create chaos.
It made no sense until I asked him a simple question:
“Who are you trying to prove wrong?”
His entire life was a battle with a father who told him he would fail.
So his intentions were not about business.
They were about identity.
This is where Viktor Frankl, Carl Jung, and even Joseph Campbell meet.
Humans live inside stories,
and intentions are the way they try to write themselves into a role.
Some are trying to become the hero.
Some the martyr.
Some the savior.
Some the victim.
Some the one who finally breaks the family curse.
You cannot understand someone’s intentions unless you understand the role they are trying to become.
A Story From My Own Life
There was a time when I poured energy into building a relationship with someone who kept going behind my back.
I convinced myself his intention was partnership.
His words were polished.
He said everything a “good partner” should say.
But his behavior chased status.
His hidden intention was validation.
And in the larger story of his life, he needed a win because he had lost himself long ago.
Once I saw that, everything clicked.
He wasn’t betraying me.
He was trying to outrun the version of himself he hated.
This is why intention is not emotional.
It is structural.
And once you understand the structure,
you stop taking things personally.
The Integrity Test
If you want a clean measure of someone’s intentions, use this:
- Do their actions match their words?
If not, intention is misaligned. - What do they consistently get out of the dynamic?
Follow the payoff, not the pitch. - What story are they trying to live into?
Everyone is writing a myth about themselves. - What happens when pressure hits?
Pressure reveals real intention.
Always.
This is research backed:
- Behavioral consistency (Baumeister)
- Motivational payoff (Deci and Ryan, Self Determination Theory)
- Narrative identity (Dan McAdams)
- Pressure-based truth (Gollwitzer and goal commitment theory)
These are not opinions.
They are patterns that hold across cultures, industries, and relationships.
Why This Matters For the Work We Do
You are building systems that require trust, clarity, and integrity.
You are selecting founders, partners, and people who will influence future generations.
You cannot build that on feelings or charisma.
You must build it on intention.
Not just what people say.
Not even what they think.
But what their structure actually produces.
When you start reading intention like this,
you become impossible to manipulate and easy to trust.
You become the warm jacket.
Not the shelter that traps people.
The coat they choose because it helps them keep going.
In Closing, A Short Story of Kinship and Giving
A few months ago, I watched a man help another man carry a couch down a flight of stairs.
It was nothing special at first glance.
Two guys, a heavy couch, a narrow stairwell.
But what caught my attention was this:
Only one of them needed the couch moved.
The other had nothing to gain.
When they reached the bottom, the man receiving help said, “I owe you one.”
And the man who helped him laughed and shook his head.
“No you don’t,” he said. “I help people who walk the same direction I do.”
That moment stayed with me.
He didn’t say he helped people who asked.
Or people who deserved it.
Or people who would pay him back.
He helped people who walked the same direction.
People who shared intention.
People who lived out the same kind of meaning.
That is kinship.
Not blood.
Not obligation.
Kinship is alignment of direction.
Giving is not about being nice.
It is about recognizing the people whose intentions match the path you are trying to walk.
Those people do not drain you.
They multiply you.
And when you help them, it never feels like loss.
It feels like momentum.
It feels like home.
So when you read the four layers of intention, this is the real point.
You are not judging people.
You are finding your people.
Because the right people do not need to convince you.
Their intention shows up in how they carry the couch with you,
even when there is nothing in it for them.
That is the kind of giving that builds a life.
That is the kind of kinship that builds a movement.
